My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
