everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
He keeps bees of course he's weird
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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