I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
I think god was stupid personally. The clit should be inside the vagina. Idiot.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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