and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
Today in class was pretty awsome. I dont feel like i have to throw up and im actually paying attention. This is a first for friday
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
