I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Randomize
