this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
