I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
