It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
