Please tell me its not ok to love a 17 year old....no matter how hot he is and how sexy his eyebrow ring is oh lord
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
