Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
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