My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Randomize
