the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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