did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
youre talking to a girl on facebook chat right now and im sitting behind her in class lol. creepy?
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Randomize
