Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize
