Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Randomize
