the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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