ya dads aren't the best wingmen
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
