someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
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