so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Randomize
