I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
I can't put those talents on a resume
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
