so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
