Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
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