and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
