i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Randomize