Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
