I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
Church boner. Awkwardddd
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
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