call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
