Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
