I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
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