I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Randomize
