That's when you crack a 10am beer
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
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