Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Randomize
