The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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