Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Randomize
