forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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