This is not my ceiling
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
And the cops told us we were all naked.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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