I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
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