hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
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