i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
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