u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
