You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
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