I never want to see another naked old woman again.
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
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