A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
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