I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Randomize
