so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
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