Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
Randomize
