PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
