I can't breathe out the right side of my face
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
