we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
Randomize
