oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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