Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
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