i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
New drinking game: drink every time the guy whose room we are in is creepy
enjoy the hospital
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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