Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
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