Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
