I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
Randomize
