just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
splinters make it hard to masturbate
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
