We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
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