I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Randomize
