Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize