I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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