Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
