so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Come on in and take your pants off
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