2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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