he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
